Unspoiled Cesspools: Hipster-Free Dive Bars
By Patrick Heig, San Francisco Editor
This city has plenty of hipstered-out, so-called dive bars, but once 50 percent of revenue comes from anything other than crusty old drunks, it's no longer a real dive, and it's time to colonize some new cesspool. The dives on this list reach depths you only sink to after a lifelong downward spiral, where dirt-cheap drinks are served in even dirtier glasses, but there’s nary a hipster in sight to spoil the authenticity--except you.
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The Peaks
1316 Castro St, San Francisco, CA
Need a respite from the annoyingly happy stroller pushers of Noe Valley? Hide in here. The creepy gents hanging by the pool table here would brain a guy for wearing a Bjorn while simultaneously offering drugs to a pregnant lady; you’re safe, sort of. They’ve also got great prices at the bar, but keep in mind that anything other than a bottled beer you open yourself might come with a free "Mind Eraser."
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Yong San
895 Bush St, San Francisco, CA
This shady Nob Hill bar lures in lonely men with heaping spreads of free food and extremely friendly female bartenders--in fact, rumor has it that booze isn't the only thing for sale here. The scantily clad staff also (allegedly) adds bogus charges to the credit card tabs of drunken patrons, but they do let you smoke, and there's a pretty solid jukebox.
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Saloon
1232 Grant Ave, San Francisco, CA
As the oldest bar in San Francisco, Saloon has had over 150 years to get its act together and it still isn't even close. Best to just stare at your beer, lest a friendly regular wearing a bathrobe and no shoes hits you up for a drink, or one of the grizzled, bloodshot-eyed bikers demands one.
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Clooney's Pub
1401 Valencia St, San Francisco, CA
Open daily at 6am. Clooney’s knows the early bird gets the worm, the worm in this case being the hardcore alcoholic who starts drinking before the sun comes up. There’s cheap hooch—up to four fingers of whiskey find their way into the $4.50 Irish coffee—but the creep-friendly atmosphere (don’t be surprised if someone throws his arm around you, or ogles you quietly from a corner) manages to keep the American Apparel crowd at bay.
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International Club
80 29th St, San Francisco, CA
Looking for a place with a spicy little Latin vibe? This place has got authentic mariachi music and plenty of amorous gentlemen who want to slow dance with you and won’t take no for an answer—even if you scream. The mangy old dog that lives there isn’t as romantic, but the turds he leaves in front of the bar guarantee that anyone who enters can be trusted to be thoroughly unscrupulous.
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Murio's Trophy Room
1811 Haight St, San Francisco, CA
With, absurdly cheap drinks (Stella is on tap for $3; Absolut and soda is only $4), a killer jukebox, not to mention a prime location on one of the most famous streets in America, you might think it’s strange that Murio’s isn’t more popular, but then you meet the regulars and you think: oh.
